i really want to tell you how i feel, really. need you and it hurts when you're like this, when we're like this. what happened to the closeness? want you to know, but guess what? i'm scared, lack the courage to say it, so i'm sorry, i can't.

been ranting and ranting it all out here. thanks a lot for lending me a listening ear and talking to me tonight. really needed someone to talk to. and grateful for you.
so today, nothing much to say. woke up around 10 plus. did some revision, amath  tuition homework. had chinese tuition. new teacher. but same centre. not too bad. went to grandma's house. had bbq food from dad 's bbq yesterday. played with cousin. imagine next weekend! will spend two days and one night with whole family, mama, yima, yizhang, yi en, her family, and my family, in melaka! yay! national day weekend! long weekend!
so next week's schedule!
monday- 2.4, history test, bio test
tuesday- yog, hoping its fun, please, if you're really helping me, talk?
wednesday- homebased learning, hope there's no online assignments again!
thursday- nothing?
friday- half day, going out with cousin and yiyi! cutting hair :(

got the song wedding dress in my head for the past few days!!!
thursday
no bell! after assembly and duty, went to get the tape out of the YOG performance banner, the countdown one. with trisha and angelica(correct me if the spelling is wrong!). missed the whole of chem. got back chem test. didn't do well! OMG! anyway, no bell. english, went through a bit of summary. was late for history! and still had to do the test! no time! rushed  and rushed... hope i did at least okay for history. ss had another test. both are sourced based. was scared of confusing the comparison for both. ss was not too bad. at least had enough time for it. chinese, nothing much. just talked! and meiyi helped with chem work! thanks! lin lao shi was sick, so no chinese at all. relaxed. ve, we were in class, then went down to the ava room. with 3b and 3d. continuation of last week's ve. anorexia. so horrible. the two women we saw were so thin! and so weak/frail. its a horrible condition. nothing to do at home.....

friday
went to school earlier then i wanted to today. but parents had to go to work early, so no choice. talked to raya, yoges, trisha. all the way till school started. ms quek! why she say those things? those words keep ringing in my head. hmmmm.... had duty, sky looked so dark! then went to choir room for a talk on yog by some general in yog.. long talk. interesting. and best part? we missed the whole of amath. went for chinese. got back the test, didn;t do well either. and we had free time, or as good as free time. just had a compre passage to do, but didn't focus much on it. just slacked. and talked! bio was fun! we did a bit of work. and 'debated' on when our test should be! haha! said wed, or fri! and both days have no school or lessons! haha! but in the end, mr ng said mon. same day as 2.4 and history test. hope it rains on monday??? well, then again, maybe not. went through some blood thing, then got to the topic of jellyfish. jelly fish is not a fish, starfish is not a fish, a ladybird is not a bird? haha! so weird! and to end of bio lesson, we watched some videos on jelleyfish!!!! bio is fun! eng was boring. did summary and nothing else. OMG! its a hard compre and summary! ca2 marks doesn't look good from all the test i've been doing. help!!!! after school, collected bio worksheet and went for ne meeting. have to do some national day stuff. i hope i can watch NDP this year. will be away and coming back on national day itself. just idk what time.
thinking of the way things turn out, we would be having ca next week if not for yog! yay! yog! so came home. and went out again at night. watched street dance with mum at vivo. before that, there was a trilller on some horror show in singapore. and it was spooky. we were at the back row, just two seats, seperated from everyone else. and two people walked in, wispering. scared like wth!!!! cos of them! so... hmm. dancing is fun! and nice! it was a great show! street dance and ballet together! the theme song, we dance on, is nice too! love the show! well, maybe its cos dancing is nice? show was at 7.10. met mum at 6.30, then went to get stuff! had dinner around 9 plus and had no appetite. thanks to yog, for letting us have early dinners on fridays! haha! one of the reasons. reached home around 11 plus. love my family for what they have done. grandma called just now. just the time when i was not in a good mood at home! talk about good timing! :)

i don't know what to say already. you're crushing me more and more each time you know. the hopes that i've had, the dreams, are all crushing down around me. sometimes i wish things will stop so that i can still hope, but i keep pushing it on, cos sometimes i feel that i need to stop the hope.
will you tell me?
so today, hbl. nothing online but still online. need to relax a bit. homework!! and 3 tests tmr! forgot to bring home math notes, so can't study for test. just great right! -.- ss and history too. two subjects that are so closely interlinked. and on sbq. but different formats! just great! talked to several friends today! online with yoges and ------. called abigail and twin!!!|

monday!
pe was great. only did two stations. shuttle run and sit and reach. both passed last year's timing! 2 As! yay! but must still remember to redo standing broad jump and incline. more push ups!!! next week, its the dreaded 2.4. how?? run more!!!! history, missed the test! its on thursday, which means history and ss test on thursday. and cos of today, emath test too! bio after school! mr ng didn'\t come, so we just did a worksheet from the excercise book. finished fast. went to get ready for training. dismissed early.
so went to netball earlier then expected. played netball game for most of the time. ms mok said no more training till after yog. why!!!!!!!! also no exams. well, can't help it. will have to survive a month of no cca. a bit of torture. no relaxation time! at least there's yog! will look forward to it. when yog ends, idk what to do.... and to think that ms mok didn't want us to have training at all!!! j, thanks for making it compulsory and not a choice. :) so any way, we had a choice, or rather ms mok said to run 2.4. then she said those who don't want to run, say it, raise hands. and we had alternative ideas. endurance? no... in the end, we did 10 rounds round the court..... holding each other's shoulders! haha! not that easy, not that difficult! was behind abigail at first, then went to the front, behind jacob. so fun! tried to jump on right leg, on left leg. two legs(this didn't work) after that, court game. played GS for a long time. parnered different people. finally got to play GS with abi as GA! yay! work well together! then played GK!! OMG!! can't even defend properly and still played GK! kind of my fault. well, according to her. for playing the fool? last part of training, played GA. abigail GS! went to find TWO people. ran from canteen toilet, to container toilet! haha! went back late. sorry. and yeah, sorry okay! for complaining so much and making life difficult for you. know its tough yet made it tougher.
after training, went to find the key to the door. can't find, so put the balls into the next pe room instead. hopefully it won't get lost. walked to seng siong with abigail, trisha, yoges. trisha left for mrt first. yoges got a drink from LJS. abigail got seaweed(sushi wrapping?) and i got sweets!!! haha. went back home after that. btw, don't be misled by my words or what i said! hehe!

so today, so fun!!!
lessons were okay. amath, gave out test results! so happy with my results for math!! must keep up and do better!!!! chinese was not as fun as usual, but okay! forgot to bring chem file!!:( and don't understand a thing about chem! need a tutor! who's good at chem???? teach me!!! emath, we could bring food to class! bought sushi during recess. and a pizza bread which i kind of lost somewhere in my bag. hehe! mrs fung was so funny today at class!!! and she told us that she was our teacher for yog so can leave later! anyway, we ended around 1.40. changed, went down to the canteen and got ready. bags in the science lab again!
floating platform for yog today! well, it didn't look too wet. we stopped at this F1 pit, and went into this nice air conditioned room that had really good air con! strong and nice. (the bus aircon was horrible! and it was so warm!! suffered!) sat in the room for a while, then walked a long walk to the floating platform. was so fun!!! went with tina, sheryl, alicia,and a few others.  fun people! :) laughed, talked! so reached the platform, looked so small compared to mandai camp. waited for everyone to reach, then went to our triangle formation. E5 i think. walked to the circle, then to the bird. now can understand why there are so many counts for the circle, its a long way to walk! and the bird point! ran towards the side, but didn't know where the point was. so ran up and down a bit. ran into the water area without needing to, but in the end, cos the whole bird formation changed, so ended up in the water. and btw, dancing with water is so hard! first time trying, kept slipping doing the pony move. at least didn't really fall. and the next part came the running on water! first time from the bird to the heart, just walked. didn't get there on time!-.- redid the heart too! just following people.....
break time!!! guess where our class was? near the ambulance! well, it was this sheltered place, with one ambulance and a big empty space enough for one class. and mrs fung got our classs to assemble there! so cool!!! haha! had buns! and a drink! sat with nasuha! went back for the formations. started to run from bird to heart, not too bad. a lot of waiting time, playing time. and to adjust the star formation, also took a long time. we moved here and there. finally settled down. talked. laughed. joked. and trisha! fell into the water by herself! well, she was in the water, then she stopped or something, and tripped, and down she went! wasn't facing her, just heard a sudden loud sound! then started laughing like mad!!! OMG! but she was alright.. hopefully....
had dinnner! went to the seats. walked SOO high up! sat with ayilisha! ate. didn't eat much, talked to yoges too. went down to refill water and came up. waited for a while. finally went back. had 3 rounds of the full thing. well, almost full. the triangle, bird, heart was not too bad. the star, idk where to go. just walked back and side and find a spot. hehe. the blazing the trail was worst! in the letter I, don't know where to stand! so just stand somewhere again! hahaha! need a lot  more practise for this.
after our rehersal, went to the stands to gather. some performers, maybe opening ceremony, did some fish thing. didn't stay and watch for too long! had another bun g\iven out. then time to walk back. about the same people. so fun with them! yay! went to the bus early. reached school. waited for dad to come. and we went to macs! before going home.
oh yes, and our passes for the yog platform! look so.. strange!! OMg! sec1 life!!!
so tmr is HBL. not too sure what to do. just homework? hopefully! its about 12 plus, sleepy, a bit tired, but don't really feel like sleeping yet. eventful day. lots of things to think about. next time might change the type of sweets i bring.... any ideas? gummies is a must.... ideas on how to bring actual food? in pockets? a bit hard....

so today, nothing much to say. emath tuition, came home, amath tuition. went out with parents and granddad for dinner. hoping 2.4 is not tmr. just not in the condition to do it. hope training won't be too hard too.
please, whatever you do, don't crush me. i need _____. while i can offer help now, its only to a certain extend. and really, i can't tell you why, cos it will really complicate matters and make things more akward. i really want to say it out, trust someone. but its not always so easy. there are so many things to consider, so many issues to solve and think of. one drastic move, and if everything changes, this time i'll really be torn and broken. and i don't need that now.
next week,
monday training, and napfa
tuesday yog. long hours so hope its fun. best if we are in the rectangle. most fun times and memories from yog is there. blazing the trail, a bit lonely. going to end late and sleep late.
wednesday home based learning. may be online for most of the day. doing stuff. yay! no school
short week, thursday and friday, nothing on.
while on the other hand, if you guess it yourself, then nevermind. who knows, might be better this way. this is hard. biggest clue i can give you? its all that i've said, you should know already. why this thing seems like its so simple, i joke about it and i know how it feels, but i can't say.

i don't want this to be something that i can link to the song haru haru again!

if i had you, that would be the only thing i ever need,
(if i had you adam lambert)
i'm sorry i can't say this out to you.

today was okay. woke up later! so sleepy after yesturday! went to vivo with parents, to macs for breakfast. then to spca! miracle wasn't there any more, hope she was adopted by a family who could care for her. played with the cats and dogs. then went back home, watched tv. had chinese tuition. went to grandma's house for dinner. texted and talked to a few people. thanks a lot! <3 if you're helping me but i don't manage to see it, i'm sorry and thank you! so any way, played with cousin. and talked to her. she's getting into korean songs! OMG! hahaha! played with grandma too! card games. i-d-i-o-t and go fish! till about 9 plus, then went home. called yoges, talked for about 1 hour 15min, then called leechin! today seems like a long day. believe me, i want to tell you why, but i can't. telling you will only make things more complicated. if you want, feel free to think about what i said.  its kind of obvious already, i've been like that for so long. soon you may even know who.....

lit fest!

racial harmony day!

so this week has ben okay. chem test is a disaster, hope its not counted for ca2.
monday
pe. napfa. need to retake! did so horribly! lessons in school was okay.went back after bio and tried to do some work. then slept in the afternoon. so tired!! can't remember much of today. don't want to.

tuesday
was okay. morning training, wish you were there. can't cope alone. school was usual. mrs fung said she couldn't let us go off early for lunch, so we had to get some light packet food to eat in class. yog, brought a lot of sweets! haha! it was raining, so we were in the hall for the whole time. leaders had to go on stage, then lead the rest. it was quite boring, this yog training. and finally realised, if not for what she has done, you all would not have talked to me! OMG! so anyway, thanks a lot for telling me what's wrong. after so long, after everything that has been happening, what you all did, at least you all are nice enough to say out what you think is wrong. not just walk away and ignore. and thank you for that. guess it still means something. finally feel more relieved, though nothing is solved.

wednesday
so any way, its been a long and emotional journey, and that's its ended. but at the cost of something else. thanks for 6 months plus of good memories, fun times, laughter with you all. its been great. i'm hoping you take the good memories with you and keep them, think of them sometimes. all the way to the end, i'm thankful that you still gave me a form of encouragement. thanks sha, for helping so much!! so at training, wasn't in a really good mood. stilll, its an okay training, nothing much to talk about.

thursday
lin lao shi was not there for chinese, did chinese compo. and band members went off at 10.20, so lucky! they got siver!! yay! congrats!! went home at 2.25 today, earliest for the week! slacked a bit at home. slept at 4, wanted to put alarm at 5pm, but it was 5am and so didn't wake up! missed mtv jk!!!!! :( any way, finished up undone homework for the week and just relaxed. one of the days were there's nothing much to do. but was so tired!

so today was not too bad!
morning training, well, was not in the mood for it. not in the mood for anything!! any way, went to help with the napfa stuff. and sorry, we were a bit mean to you, walking together but leaving you out of the conversation. don't take it to heart okay!! didn't mean to do it! well, in the end, trained for a while. and mr francis talked to us about yog stuff. so we have no CA2!! so happy!! and a lot of homebased learning, which means a much more carefree term that i thought it would be. even with YOG ending late, guess its worth it if there's fun and laughter and friends! amath, we are going to have a trigo test on monday!! how???? so hard! chinese,  we did the test. idk how to do it! hope will go well by chance! cos its counted in ca2. recess passed and it was okay. bio, did the quiz! full marks! yay! eng, did the compo. mrs rohan was not there and the teacher that came in allowed us to listen to music whilst doing the work, so it was fun!
after school, went with yoges to kellock. wanted to get a cab, but no cab!! so irritating! waited for like 15min??? then took a bus, and a cab, and went to her house. after dropping her sister off, went down intending to buy some food. but then got a call to say that sec3s were going to board the bus soon. OMG! panicked!!! so rushed to get a cab and rushed back to school. got so many calls. so scared will miss the bus!!! sorry everyone, made you all wait. so the bus ride was fun! thanks for sitting with me! and for sitting with me on the way back too!!!
so we reached the place for rehersal, sat down and waited. then did the parts we knew. and the teachers spent about 1 hour plus doing up the blazing the trail from the star formation. so long! so meanwhile, we just talked, and created our own fun! thanks a lot for accompanying me! really! and for being so understanding. i know i can trust you! :) had dinner around 5? it was noodles and some really oily fried stuff. sat with nasuha and ayilisha, kept laughing at things! went back for rehersal. moved front in the triangle. the part from triangle, to whirlpool, to bird, to heart, is so exhausting. just plain running or sprinting and dancing. literally sprinting from the whirlpool to the back of the whole bird back to teh front corner of the wing. then the dance!!! OMG! need more stamina! hope its really worthwhile doing this and it will actually look okay. so that's about all for today!

yeah, its over. its like i'm riding solo! you think its hard for you to do that? its hard for me too okay! so stop complaining so super loudly withing earshot or writing mean things yeah!

cousin's at my house now! yay!

so today, woke up late! cos wanted to sleep late! and so would not have woken up and really got out of bed if someone hadn't called. anway, went to eat dimsum with parents chinatown! went to grandma's house to give her egg tarts. had car wash! fun! then chinese tuition at tiong. went to grandma's house for dinner. early dinner at 6. and had muah chee too! the adults had durian. don't like it! left around 7. went to kellock with cousin. dad waited for us outside. we were there around 7 plus. so the stalls were packing up already. left the performance in the hall. so went around the school, then to the hall. saw yoges. so she followed too! and also saw alot of other theresians. most importantly, saw teachers!!! mrs linda tan, mrs janet tan, ms chia, mrs chia, ms sharon tan, miss tay, and a lot more teachers!!!! yay! mdm tan too! finally! never seen her since we left school. she looks well! :) then we got bored in the hall, went to play netball. so fun! and yoges!! what you said to my cousin!!! you're going to get it soon!!!!! a lot of other people got a netball too. haha! we took ours from the pe store room. miss the pe store room. and after a while, a few others also took a ball. so played and shot with the ball. then some teacher was waving and pointing to tell us to keep the ball. so we did. went to water cooler! haha! then to the hall again. then went down  to the gate B foyer. talked and talked about random suff. told jokes and quotes. then dad came and we left. came home with cousin. went online, and watched x-men, wolvevine. some story about him. and that's all. its 11 plus already!

miss kellock so much!!! glad i went back today. brings back so many memories. all the childhood good times. in some way, kellock and everybody there has impacted the way i am now. kellock is forever
important!!!!!

went to school about 7 plus? for morning training. was a little late cos of some stuff at home. sorry..... well, morning training was okay. then the team played monkey. abigail, trisha, yoges and i did shooting on another pole, thanks! did semi d drills. partnered yoges and jacob. fun! great way to start a day. had duty, then went to the hall. saw the band performance. was good! imagine the amount of hard work they put in for the songs and performance. maybe after stc, in jc, will join some performing arts for a change. saw videos of ocip laos and vietnam. so touching! and now i feel like wanting to go for ocip already!!!! hope i'll pass the interview!
today's lessons, well, was okay, amath we did work! got back amath sa1 papers. wished we could get back our test. chinese, our teacher, lin lao shi, was being observed by the other 3 teachers teaching chinese in sec3 level. jiang lao shi was there! band 1, band 3, band 4 teachers. chinese was still interesting and fun! bio went through the bio worksheet. a lot of mistakes!! had a short lunch. sushi! had a heavier recess. for the first time in idk how long, wore orange shirt. sec3s were let off at 12.40, lunch till 1.15, then took a bus to rp, for the floorball finals. sat with tina! thank you!!!!! floorballers played well today! first place!! score, 5-1. they really did well and deserved it. sec3s cheered and cheered!! left rp after the match and went for YOG.

slight drizzle when we arrived. went to rectangle formation first. talked and laughed with alicia, yoges, trisha, raya, huimin. waited a long time! 'bullied' yoges, according to her. in the end, from the rectangle to the star, only need to move 2 places. brought sweets, next time must bring a lot more! tuesday, promise to bring A LOT OF SWEETS FOR YOU!!!! went to choose our nominees for house captain. confidential vote. mini 2c gathering. all the memories from 2c. and look what we have become today! so we went to wait, and wait, and wait for our dinner to come. the other levels had theirs first. talked to jolin, chingyi, halie. and nasuha. got desert, jelley! with sheryl for the class. so we actually had desert before our meal! the other levels went to the rectangle again whilst we waited longer for our food. sat with jolin, chingyi, halie, zann, denise yong, yoanna. played truth or dare once, then would you rather. very fun!!! thanks a lot!!! had dinner. noodles. couldn't finish it, so gave to denise and yoanna. went back to fomation, did the formations with music. had to alter the heart a lot of times. the rest was okay, just need to count. and once, ran out too early from the circle after the triangle. my fault!!! sorry!!!!! otherwise, yog was okay. sat with tina on the bus back. haha! kim lim and chingyi was disturbing tina! but it was fun! and she's so nice!

so that's all for today!
stress level is back. idk why. today was an okay day. but did little to relieve the stress. for you all, i'm sorry. i've helped others, but in the end, when you all have problems, i can't help. and in the end, we just become distant. i've failed my duty as a friend to you all. somehow, hate you for doing this. giving me false hope, lies! so much for letting me become close to you, then after that hurt me by leaving! to you, cheer up. if there's anything wrong, can always tell me okay!



so today, begin with waking up at 5? around there. slept at 10. well, in someway, its good. sleeping early, although my energy level is the same, and still feel tired, it stops me from thinking too much and feeling more hurt inside. all the emotions inside, feel like telling someone. its getting a little too hard to keep it inside, and its even harder to look okay on the outside and laugh, joke or appear normal.
but thanks to you all, for making me laugh and letting me have someone to talk to all the way. never felt alone once. thanks for cheering me up, for accompanying me and for just being there!!!!

thinking a lot about those past memories, happy times spent together. well, seems like its over. and if you are really happier with them, then just go. i'd rather you be happier with them then to feel stuck with me. just tell me straight out truthfully that you want to leave. its better for one to suffer then  two of us to right?
'if forgetting me will give you freedom,
oh tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye'
big bang, tell me goodbye

monday
had morning training. was a bit late, cos couldn't wake up. anyway, went to school in pe shirt. trained a bit. toe hurt. idk why. pe, we did 3 rounds on the outer lane, and was already dying! did volleyball. hand hurts so much after that! stupid volleyball! so went home at 3.35. nothing much to say.

tuesday
had morning training. 6.30!! wth. was supposed to be there at 6.30. but was a little late. abbicia, renie, jacob was already there, no actually was walking behind her all the way! the school was so quiet. so scary. and so we sat there for a while.. talking... studied a bit. cos had amath test after that. just did a simple drill and tried to do halfcourt. this girl, just walked in front of us and sat down there. haha! well, amath test was hard. but what to do? its amath..... nothing else to say for today.

wednesday
well, classes was okay okay. had emath test, well, its hard! congruence and similarity. hope i do okay. lit, we were scolded for being late... but ms tan gave us m&m chocs!! so nice! one packet each! that's where i got the chocs from btw! had lunch with xiulin and meiyi. changed, got ready for training. trisha, thanks a lot for coming for training. could not have done it without you. well, after all that has happened, guess training is still the place and time that i can relax and not think about all the problems and worries. that's one thing i'll miss when i stop netball. will lose the place and time of 'refuge' where i can just not think about all other stuff. push out all the unhappiness inside. and just enjoy. and today's training, jacob, thanks for all the encouragement. so training, we did 8 rounds. stamina is horrible! then had steps. 4 sets. did some other drill, idk how to explain, also 4 sets. team was divided into 2, so one group each. split into 4 groups at 4 points, then threw either a lob or straight pass. hmmm... how to throw a ball with the hand just going out in front and not to the side? and how to not spin the ball???? split into groups of 3, did some passes. 3 to each group, 2 throwers one. then jacob, julia and i did some GA drill. okay, i cannot shoot anymore! was so tired! and thanks for being so encouraging and patient. it really helped you know. just wanted you to know that. finally the shooter, defender, attacker drill. euginia was the only gs, so she played gs with all of us, and i played gs when jacob was ga. haha! need to work on communication, but think we're alright as a team. it was so fun!! working with you. the last part of training, she asked us to stand in one line with our bottles, and the team was somehow told that we were doing suicide run during the break??? so weird. but haha! already knew we were drinking water only. so she told the team to just stand in a line, then said drink water! whole senior team was like' huh? no need to run?' or ' run and drink'?? haha!! funny expressions!!! OMG! walked to the bus stop with trisha and jacob. we did something terrible! haha! so any way, thanks a lot to the two of you, for training! :)
abigail, yoges, better come for training soon okay!
went home. was so tired! grand dad came over for dinner, so only started doing work at 8? till about 10. then just went to the bed and slept! the effects of sleeping so early, when i'm used to sleeping late? woke up at 2am and 5am! looks like my body is used to a few hours of sleep only.

thursday
dispite the long sleep, still felt tired today. guess long sleep has no effect! history test was okay. hope i got the correct words for fill in the blanks. and at recess, met yoges outside her class. talked for a brief moment then went down. thanks for accompanying me down to the canteen and talking to me. you really helped to brighten my day. and if there is something wrong, can tell me okay!! don't stress yourself too much. chinese was fun!! lin lao shi told us a lot of funny jokes and stories. i can never enjoy chinese more! really! chinese lessons are great now! thank you. ve, went to the ava room with 3d. sat with kim and xiulin, behind, qiying and lena. qiying, lena, paintbrush!!! OMG! i suddenly miss 2c, and the time i played with the paintbrush with them. and off course, the time when we were so close was when we were both in 1c/2c. recess time.... it hurts to think of it, after what we have become now. for ve, we watched a few videos. on beauty. like chinese feet bounding, the long neck tribe. after school, went to meet jenisa! went to eat macs with her for lunch. was craving for macs. had so much fun!! she's the same as in sec1!! so much laughter about everything and nothing. haha! only the both of us will understand. went back to my crazy self. to the person i was. happy, relaxed! THANK YOU!!! one day we must meet up again!!!!! online now. take care of yourself okay!

posting again. today was okay. had emath tuition, then amath tuition, ended at 5. tiring. trigo for amath is killer. congruence and similarity for emath is killer!! OMG! how to do ca2 like this!!! went out with grandma and parents for dinner. so fun! family bonding. miss you mama!! although i just saw her last night, and saw her tonight, miss her now!! i can finally understand the meaning 'familiy will be there whenever you need them'. they give you comfort, safety, unending and undying love. just what i needed at the moment. finally. finally can relax more. and to top it up, thank you for smsing me so many times today. making me laugh on sms, guiding me, reminding me about the upcoming tests and homework without complain. listening to my ranting. cos my schedule last week was so disrupted and weird, could not make much sense out of what the homework was, what test was coming up and things like that. so thank you so much! for spending time to talk to me!!! <3 <3 <3 alicia lim
and this coming week! yay! going to be so much more free!!! monday ending at 3.30, tuesday at 2, wendesday at 6, thursday at 2.30, friday at 10pm. so not as bad as last week. tmr supposed to have morning training, so sudden. probably go if it is true. but still might have to resolve some stuff. need time to talk to you all. see how.... okay, its late, need more sleep!!!

'i need sombody to love....'
justin bieber. somehow got this in my head.... weird.

lit fest today!!!

so tired after yesturday's late night yog, then had to come online to send email to miss lee for lit script.

woke up at 6 today. well, tried to wake up at 6, got up later. reached school around 7.20. so not that late. thanks alicia, sonia, danii for coming down to support! so sat on the bus with helen. took a few pics, but camera went out of battery! so not many pics. reached the hall, went to talk to velvetina! yay!!! hahaha! miss you so much! had a talk by someone people in the hall. and this guest of honour, this woman... apparently she is quite famous.. and talked alot about poems and all. haha! the things she said! perfomance by the school about lit. it was quite good.
went on to watch 2c's animal farm. it was quite good. really. good job! then on to the pure lit girl's debate on the crucible(correct me if i'm wrong). it was good! OMG!!! our school was really goood!!!! yay!! won! against ACSI!!!! YAY!!! great job anjila, alexandra, tina!!! the standard was so high. it was like they kept rebutting all the way. had a short break before our debate. well, we thought it was a short break, cos had to be in the room by  a certain time but we actually had to wait a long time outside the rooom. so they practiced, rewrote the speeches. and timed it. we did things fall apart, group's motion was 'change is neccesary for survival' we were against it! hard!!! but well done nadia, sheryl, szeting! went on to the other groups' debate. motion was 'woman are...... to society' against that. quite easy. and our school won  too!!! GREAT!! karthika, ayilisha, helen!! and helen was best speaker! yay!! went on to the hall. had prize presentation. 2c got second for their room, cresent got first. well, cresent was good, but hey, 2c was great!! and also won another silver trophy for some mascot thing.
left with sonia. dad fetched. went for lunch at bukit merah. bathed before going for tuition. was so sleepy during tuition! went to mama's house after that. yi yi, yi en was there too. ate, talked, then slept there. was so sleepy! then came home.
called leechin on the phone as usual! so nice talking to you. thank you so much for lending a listening ear and for giving me so much advice. you're a really nice friend! you're really nice and helpful! :) <3 you!!!

if you laugh real loud, as if the whole world is yours
and you don't care what you look like
then you are with your good friends
thank you for telling me this! ( i got it from your blog)

today was fun! so today
went to school early, thought had morning run but it was cancelled. so went to the canteen, sat with janice and jiayi. then yoges, trisha, abigail came. we went up to class. talked to yoges till school started. had lessons. not too bad. amath, can finally do a bit!! yay! chinese we had to do letter writing revision. bio was okay, english was still a bit boring. after school, went to get lunch. sheryl and nadia to LJS, karthika, helen, ayilisha to koufu and i got pancakes! almost lost k, h, a as took a long time and they were leaving. then when we joined up together, nadia and sheryl caught up with us. so went back to school together. went to 4b classroom, no key, so we sat outside the class and ate. on the floor! hahaha! but we talked, talked, laughed, joked. so fun!!! ms lee came without keys. and she sat on the floor too! but she was a bit skeptical about it. went through lit speech till it was time for YOG. so we left the school and reached mandai army camp. sat in the hall. played with janice, karthika, elspeth, jiayi, xiulin, xingchen. so many games, so fun! hope we have more times together like this. had dinner around 5 plus 6. and we talked and played again. finally went down to the normal place after the opening ceremony people left. did the rectangle formation, then changed the heart thing. now cannot any how go into any where for the heart already! cos have fixed positions. ayilisha and i went to the toilet just before the heart formation, so when we came back, we just fitted in any where. haha! ended up the first layer to go out.rest of the time, it was just practice. and more practice. there is no rest time at all for YOG!! so have to continously do stuff. going to be very tired! talked to alicia a lot too. very fun talking to you. liven up my spirits. thanks. so today, 38 of us!! yay! almost full attendance! talked to yoges during break. just say it okay! if you need help. and don't think i don't know what you did! nothing much to say already. i know you're happier sitting with her, so just go ahead okay, no need to worry. i will be okay by myself.
YOG was great! the time before dinner in the hall, played with Janice, Karthika, Jiayi, Elspeth, Xiulin. i know things have changed and a lot of things are different now, but i'm glad that you all still allowed me to come with you. just playing and laughing with you all, i remember all those good memories. EFL, the time we had a cake to celebrate Elspeth's and Janice's birthday before flag day, party, outings. all so fun. miss those times. somehow, we've become more distant, you all may know that too, but i'll still keep those memories with me no matter what. these are what makes life enjoyable, tolerable. i don't want to believe that our friendship for so long will one day be lost or something like that. but playing with you all just now, just felt so happy. in case i never get a chance to say this, you all are really important to me and i want to thank you for all the fun, happy, enjoyable, memorable times we have spent together and all the memories we have shared together. THANK YOU.

so this week has been really stressful. homework, physical, emotional. its like everything into one. feel like breaking. sometimes, just feel like its breaking point. too many things happening.

monday
well, called a few friends to talk. wanted to destress a bit. went for tuition at 12. right in the middle of the holiday! went to tiong for tuition, then had lunch with grandma, da yi ma, da yi zhang. didn't want to go. but in the end, had fun! eating with them! got a pic with them mama and da yi ma! yay! came back home, just had to study for a history test that never happened. went out with dad to ikea for dinner. finally managed to spend time with dad, and unwind. mum was away on retreat.

tuesday
had morning run. 4 rounds, still a killer. did duty... went back to our class. heather came to our class! mrs leong and mr ng made it official. and sat with her for amath. school was okay. what else can i say about school? its just stress. any ideas on how to relieve stress and just out all the burdens and emotions down??? any way, mrs fung let us go at 1.40 for math. emath similarity is killer! went to find ms maggie lee for lit. then went to canteen to gather the class. sat alone in the bus. i know you're happier sitting with her, so just go ahead, its okay. rather then sit together and be quiet and bored right? yog was okay. well, fun! triangle to the bird formation is just pure sprint. first time was okay, second time was trapped into the first ring, right inside the circle and couldn't get out. third time just cut and cut people! then reach the bird only start dancing. no rest. how??? after dance, bird wings flap! that's okay. followed alicia into the heart. haha! so funny! didn't know where to go, so just followed her somewhere, and stood somewhere, had to lean forward. rectangle, finding the point is a bit hard cos we were in the wrong place in the heart. but it was fun! running with her to the heart shape. in the T!! not S! yay! got a very short break cos had to go back and practice the dance moves and all. sat in the rectangle for a long time waiting. under the hot sun. talked and laughed. alicia, yoges, trisha. and... someone..... can't spell her name. hehe. went home after that. just dead tired. mum was back  already!

wednesday
well, lessons were okay. tiring though. week 2 of term 3 is stressful!!!! too many things happening. so after school went straight for sec1 council nominee interview. not too bad. its confidential, so can't say anything else. then to lit fest rehersal. lasted till 5.45? well, at least i'm not a speaker! just a reserve, but still have work to do. worked in air con! yay! forgot to take shoebag out of the classroom! but thanks tina! helped me to take it! and passed it to me today. walked with sheryl and helen to return the key, then to the bus stop. went home, bathed, did homework then had to go out with parents for dinner. its their..... 16th or 17th wedding anniversary. came back late and still had to do work. slept late!

thursday
couldn't wake up in the morning! had VI. talking about black or white! haha! lessons were okay. have more homework! but the lessons today were not that bad. quite enjoyable. chinese, hoping the letter is not counted in ca2. and when is chinese ca2?? ve had to learn bio! wanted to do homework!!! oh yeah, for the first time in idk how many years, ca2 is before national day holidays!! yay!!!

so yeah, stressful week, just not writing why its so much more stressful here. need help to destress!!!! tmr'g yog. hope its fun! keep me laughing, you all! thank you so much! take my mind off things you know.

after so long, what have we become? strangers. just great right? why have we become like that? tell me, is it my fault that we have become like strangers? and when we were conincidentally together, there is so much tension. its like you've avoided me. i don't know why this has happened, why we are like that now. if its because of me, my actions, please tell me. we are at the point of no return now right? but please, if we reallly need to seperate, then please, take the good memories with you and i hope you remember them. cos i hope that you would remember all those times when we were still close, how fun it was, how happy it was. how much we meant to each other as friends.
and thank you all, for solving the seating problem. really, i'm sorry for causing so much stress to you and so much trouble to you all. and for being difficult. i just had a lot of things at that time, and wanted to sit with you all so that we can talk if anything happened. and a lot of other reasons. cos without you all, who else can there be? for now, just hope you all know that i'm thankful for you all. we may not seem as close as before, but i'm still thankful for your company. you all have given me great memories which are unforgettable.

lazy day today, nothing much to do. had first lesson of emath tuition for the term, and tmr cos its holiday, have more emath tuition. its like from 12 onwards, so how to go out? sorry, can't go out with you tmr, another time...... :( rest of the day, well, just slacked. tmr will start the real studies. somehow dreading next week. its so busy, stressful, and a lot of work! tuesday already have math test and history test, with YOG. and the possible changing of seats. well, you know what i mean. i don't need the additional stress right now. there's enough stress from everything! just wanted someone close to sit with me at this time. might wear orange shirt for yog. then wednesday, after school, will miss training, first part, interviews.... thursday is a free day!!! friday YOG again. hardly any time for studies. saturday lit fest. sunday cram tuition!!!! busy busy busy

so today... was okay. medicine finally has some effects! made me sleepy!! OMG! slept so early last night! well, early for a friday night. maybe cos was tired too? and woke up at 10am this morning! dad bought breakfast. it was raining very heavily, or we would have gone out for breakfast. had tuition at 12. and by 1.30, was already quite sleepy again! tuition was supposed to end at 2, but ended at 2.30. rushed to tiong for chinese tuition. also very sleepy. went home, then to grandma's house. only yi en and the three of us were there today. very quiet. ate, favourite! kong bac bao and salmon.. hehe! two times of salmon in two days! yay! raw salmon sashimi! played with yi en in the room. heard songs on ipod. she ate about 6-7 sweets and became high on it! suddenly laugh and laugh. played cards with grandma. mum was at the table too. played go-fish. so funny! yi yi came around 9. left mama house at 9 plus. so sad, saturday nights always pass so fast. i wish they would go by slower and the other days of the week can go past faster. thinking back, mama house, the one at telok blangah, was like my home. i was there for most of the time and many of my childhood memories are there. then at rumah tinggi, its quieter. but i do still look forward to the times that we can meet there as a whole family eating dinner together. hope this will never end. family is so important right now, i can't live without you all! thank you! i keep thinking about the times mama and i spent together. there were so many good, happy memories. how time has flown. every year, every month, every week, i see her, she changes little by little, going slower bit by bit. i don't want to lose her. i really don't.

okay, so this week has not been too bad. not too much homework, not too busy. next week, tuesday and friday is yog, wednesday training, which i will be late cos need to interview sec1s for council. seem to be skipping netball stuff a lot. all cos of studies or council. really sorry. and partners for life! get well soon!!! haha! monday and thursday is free. hoping to go out for lunch on monday. next saturday there's lit fest, debate on things fall apart, hope can do well and wake up on time! cos YOG the day before.

so this week
starts with monday
first day of school!!! went to the hard court early. gave out the rest of the souvenirs. morning duty. then pe. well, 3 rounds. and was already so tired! not even 7 min. how to survive 2.4 like that? lit was okay. history, well, ms vino is nice! but she is wasting a lot of class time to talk about random stuff. and we are pure history, should be going faster. good thing is, we went to the container room, got air con. bad thing, headache from morning and cough got worst. drank a whole 1 litre of water before recess even started. english we went through oral stuff, then go our new banding arrangement. with Elspeth, Xiulin, Christabelle and many other people from 3a. teacher is ms shivani. amath, well, the topic seems okay. not too easy, but not tough either. had lunch with friends! not netballers. had bio. went through bio stuff. and got our class relay! yay! missed the first part of training. cos class ended at 3.35. then went toilet and all. more of physical. did jumping over cones which i couldn't and left leg could not lift up high enough so went to the side instead of on top. stupid leg. tried doing at home, same problem. no more jumping over cones please! stairs, more drills. then played game. partnered Abigail for GA/GS. think i did better as a GS. but need to run and move. brought the sweets as promised! hope you all like the souvenirs and chocs too! had fun with you all at training. walked to the bus stop with 5 of us. its been a long time. walked 3,2. went home. high fever. and bad headache. at least not too much homework. and penadol works. relaxed at last on first day of school. if not for being sick, things will be okay!

tuesday
no run! yay! rained in the morning, assembly in class. but had duty. won't be joining you all for assembly for the whole term. sorry jiayi, no partner. my bag will be there to accompany you, and so will the rest. amath and history was okay, the usual. chinese, we changed teacher. going to miss ms lee ting ting. but what to do? the higher chinese girls have her now, hope they do well! o levels this year. new teacher is nice! but hard to accept so many teachers changing at once. but having gone through a hard change that lasted from last year to this year, at least didn't get too attached. learnt my lesson already. chem and math was okay. chem's topic on moles is a bit hard. thanks to Janice! who helped me with chem!!! :)

wednesday
lessons were well, not too bad. ss teacher, mrs gan, new one, loves hello kitty! but she seems quite happy with our class, so hope we do well. bio, we did transpiration, then firedrill. bad timing. head  throbbing whilst walking to the field. at least the walk was not that long. went back in time for 5min of pbl. need to do powerpoint by next week cos we are presenting next week! let me know if you all need help okay! lit was fun! went to the canteen. no appetite. ate medicine. felt better thankfully! good enough to train. training was a bit more quiet. jacob didn't come. normal stuff. didn't play as shooter for the drill. no game. just drills. sorry if i sounded a bit off walking to the bus stop and all. wasn't really feeling too good. was supposed to go to the doctor's. but didn't in the end.

thursday
lessons were okay. shall not elaborate. too much. ss was okay. new teacher, its okay. must keep reminding myself that must get used to change. rained so heavily after school. shared umbrella with Christabelle to the bus stop. dripping wet! went home. just knocked out on the bed after bathing. couldn't get up when parents came back. scared them. hehe! went to the doctor finally. high fever. well, hey, i knew that since.... monday? now i've 9....NINE! types of medicine to eat!!!! went home and slept. for the first time in a long while, straight sleep till morning! yay!

friday
well, woke up at 5 plus. mum didn't want me to go to school. but how to miss a day of school? and the medicine worked! no fever in the morning. went to school, council meeting. then duty. and yeah, morning run right, i'm sorry... really. didn't go for it. and yeah, this morning on the phone, wasn't in a good mood. i hope you understand. lessons were okay. bio did an experiment with Janice! fun! short day today! good thing. orals after school. sorry ____, cannot go out today cos of orals. another day okay! orals was okay. reading not too bad. picture was horrible. its about this plant place with a lot of water. and conversation was about helping people. came home! finally well enough to go studies! yay!!!!! went out for dinner tonight. sushi!! can't wait to get well and be normal again! oh yeah, 3a will have a new edition! Heather from 3d i think. can we not change place? please?

this week has been okay. thankfully its not really that stressful yet or it would have been worse. must get better by tuesday if not no yog. argued with mum about issues this morning. just great! and i'm sorry if i seem weird, unapproachable, angry and all this week. just give me some time to get well, sort some stuff out and i'll be okay....

so today is the last day of hols! well, looking forward to going back to school for some reason, but also dreading school, cos term 3 is going to be a horribly stressful term with a lot of extra activities like Netball and YOG and i've got duty for latecoming, which is sadly everyday! need to be in school earlier. and still need to study. which means no time for anything else. hmmm, any ideas on what to do after school on friday and  before YOG? its kind of long, but too short to go home and come back, cos it will be a waste of time.

anyway, today was a bit boring. wanted to sleep late but had tuition! hehe. amath tuition. went out, came back and finished chinese!!! yes!! finally! okay, so left amath and chinese tuition work, which i plan to do during the week next week if we can, cos now have to do some other stuff.

i hope you know that i still care and i know that what i've said cannot be undone. i'm really sorry for what i did, what i said.

so, time to post again!
thursday
woke up kind of early. didn't have much sleep at night, kept coughing. and waking up. hate having cough and sore throat! any way, went to Lot1 to meet twin. sorry, let you wait for so long! had lunch together! talked and talked about our lifes. sat at the food court and ate and talked. bought water. cos kept coughing. then we walked round Lot 1. wanted to watch a show, but no nice shows to watch that could fit our timing, so we took neoprints instead! yay!! it was in jap!! could not understand, except for yes, no, 1,2,3. haha! need to learn a bit more jap! it was fun! the best was the editing. 3 each to edit!! came out really nicely though! went to the library to get scissors to cut it. walked around in the library for a while. went to the rooftop thing outside to talk and talk and talk!!!! got some food from the basement, went back to the food court. sat down for a while. got macs icecream! even though i was coughing, just didn't care. twin had to leave, so we both left! an exciting day! outing with TWIN!!!!! :) :) :)

friday
went to school. finally!!! i can't say if i was happy to be there or not. guess it was good to live in a fantasy world for 3 weeks, no school, no problems, no need to worry about all those friendship stuff. things were normal, normal as in any other day, nothing different. i guess i expected too much. i guess i expected things to blow over fast and everything to be alright. it wasn't. i seriously thought things will be alright, but it wasn't. can we really be called friends if we are like this? or is it just pity or something like that? anyway, there was a heavy storm in the morning! we sat at a table then the rain kept coming in, so shifted. and our bags and all were so wet! for YOG, not many people came. less then 20 maybe? we just watched a video, the video that was taken on wed. then perfected the dance moves, and got the new dates for YOG next term.
went for lunch with abigail and yoges at koufu! we were there around 12 plus, sat till 1.30. was supposed to be a netball kind of clique, good friend outing. 5 people, but only 3 of us. anyway, we talked about a lot of stuff. had fun, but laughed over serious stuff? makes any sense?
went home to change first, then met mum at vivo. watched karate kid. it was a long but really good show! will smith's son acts just like him! and jackie chan is as good as ever! took a cab(london cab!!!!! nice!!! ) to grandma's house. sat yi zhang's new car, idk what brand, what model, to some restuarant. was there to celebrate yi ma's birthday. had a good meal. then yi yi bought 9 little tiramisu cakes for yima's birthday. 8 of us were there, mama, yima, yizhang, yi yi, yizhang, yi en, mum and me. dad was at another function, so the last cake was for him! didn't take a family shot, but a few other pics with my phone.
went back to mama's house. stayed over with yi en. was very tired, just changed, played tarot cards once. then went on the bed. ate medicine, slept! woke up a lot as usual cos kept coughing. a lot of hot water and more medicine. but slept a bit more.

saturday
woke up, bathed, changed. watched tv, played cards! then mum came to pick us up, went to tiong for sakae sushi! ate. talked. cousin left for a movie with her mum. fetched mama home. went home with mum. and slept! yay! 1 hour of undisturbed sleep! went for chinese tuition at tiong. then to mama's house again for dinner. only dad, mum, me and mama today. yima and yizhang were overseas. yi en, idk! so very quiet! came back, now online. was feeling very bad. but thanks to E who is smsing me till now, 1 plus! and just now lc, who called, and A, who's talking to me on msn now, its not so bad! thanks a lot! i know i've got friends. thanks! abigail, elspeth, leechin

yi ma's birthday!

twin outing!

what can i do when things have come to this stage? tell me what you want me to do now. i'm sorry, for not being there for you anymore, for not knowing you any more, for not being able to help any more, for not being close friends any more. you have meant a lot to me, idk if you know that, and you still mean a lot to me. cos you really are a good friend. missing your laughter, your smile, the way we used to talk, the way we used to share the same things are not keep any thing from each other. i miss those memories, and believe me, i keep thinking about them. i really thought we were really close friends. until now. when you locked your blog and not let me in, i knew.... and i'm sorry.
but thank you, to all friends, who have still continued to be my friend and been by my side when i've needed help, or need someone to talk to. like tonight, lc, thank you. your exams are so near and i know how much you want and need to study, but you still talked on the phone with me for about an hour. even at this hour. i'm really grateful for that. you've cheered me up. a lot! really thankful to know someone as nice as you. thank you.